I started a new book, a new "course" on January 1 of this year. The book is called "A Course in Miracles" there is a text of some 650+ pages and daily exersizes. As I sit here thinking about how to describe it, I am at a loss for words. Powerful is one word, it challenges all of our perceptions about what life is. It builds a new framework for being in the world. It is focused on love and compassion, mercy, and the elimination of fear, anxiety, and hatred.
What I can tell you is that it has been so powerful for me that it has caused a great deal of fear and panic in my ego....I have had several sleepless nights. My feeling is that the edifice inside me, the rigid structure built by my very scary and sad childhood, the structure that helped me cope and gave me some sense of security is being threatened. While "threat" means something different for everyone, for me it feels like annihilation.... I realized the other day that I have no idea what is in my best interest. That has never been a question I have asked myself, never been a concern. My concerns have always centered around what other people were thinking, or what they wanted, etc...
I refuse to give up and not take this course. I don't care how much sleep I lose. I am working on trying to understand my fear and anxiety and deal with it in a loving and compassionate way. I need to be gentle with myself. I need to accept who I am and where I came from, bless my circumstances now, be grateful for this opportunity, and move forward.
If I am to be the wise woman I have visioned for the past 15 or 20 years, these changes are critical.
I can see some change already.
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