After Christmas

Here it is, December 26th again. I am here, in my house, candles burning, by myself.  This has always, since I can remember, been a tough time for me emotionally.  As a child, my brother and sisters would be home from college over Christmas, and things were safe and happy for a time.  I think it was a very tough time for my mother, often before Easter she would be in the hospital, another suicide attempt.  That is why this visceral fear and loneliness that I can not explain comes over me after Christmas.When the girls were little, this time after Christmas was brutal, desperate, I remember driving them around in the car just to get out of the house.  Often, I was so exhausted by New Year's I had a melt down that night, or didn't go out at all.

Let me tell you about Christmas this year, how absolutely blessed it was even though we were away from the girls.   On the 22nd Steve was home and we helped decorate the church. We talked to Elowen briefly on the 23rd which was sweet, but sad, she reminded us how far away we were from her,  I took a loaf of Challah to our neighbors, Charlie and Betsy to share as my recipe makes two loaves and we didn't need both. I Cantored the 4th Sunday of Advent at 5:30PM then we went to Camelot for dinner.   On the 24th, we took a walk on the Trolley trail then we prepared for Christmas Dinner.  At 3:15 we went to church for the 4:00PM Mass, and I stayed to Cantor the 6:00, I have never done a better job than I did that night.  I returned home and we went to Mike and Laurie Flemming's for a drink and some fun and singing, then home.  We had a Christmas Eve dinner complete with Challah, ham, and a new gratin recipe, cookies, all the trimmings.  We opened presents and went to bed after midnight.  On Christmas day we went to Lackawanna State Park and took a good walk, then face timed with Karrah and Marc.  We were planning a soup supper by the fire with Mary Ann and Jeff, and it was a perfect evening.   So this time has been a wonderful time.

 In the past, I have learned to celebrate the whole of Christmas, through Epiphany, with traditions and planning things to look forward to.  I have rented cabins, bought x-country skis and snow shoes, celebrated Candlemas, in short recognizing that every day is sacramental.

It is most important to care for my soul, to honor it as my grace card says today; honor and care for your soul and have patience, the best is yet to be.