2018

Often in the first week of January, I have written not resolutions, but a vision of what I wanted to emphasize in the next year.  Here it is, January 30, and I am thinking about why it has taken me so long to sit down and write.  I am not sure I have enough vision to say what comes next this year.  Since Thanksgiving, I have traveled, been sick, traveled, sick, traveled, really sick, really traveled to Hawaii with my family for a dream-come-true vacation, and sick again.

As I reflect on this, one thing is clear: we hold a limited control in our own life.  I have lately felt that my health was in my own hands and by reference, if I wasn't in good health, I wasn't taking the necessary precautions and cooperating with the Universe.  Now I think we can "cooperate with the Universe" but not everything, I am reminded once again, can we have control over.

This idea of being able to have a great amount of control over our lives by the choices we make gives me peace of mind. I think we can try and do our best, but we don't have the ultimate control.  I imagine many people struggle with this lack of control.  It is behind most of the anxiety and fear that we have daily in our lives.

So, if we have to admit that control, ultimate control is an illusion, what then?  What do we have? Is God on our side?  What exactly does that mean?  God is on everyone's side.  If God is on everyone's side then why so much violence, hate, indifference? Why, if God is on my side and I have decided to do my best to be healthy have I been hit with so much sickness in two months? (and I get that my problems are minuscule compared to some.)

I don't know the answers.  I am only acknowledging the questions.  There is fear that I may not be able to will myself to live to the age of 90 (reasonable, I thought), that positive affirmations about being healthy and happy and whole  will not be enough.  It is at these times, blessedly, I can fall back on faith and prayer.   I don't know where you are leading me, but show me the way....