Mid Year

Good afternoon.  I just finished meditating for the third time today. It is one of those rainy days in a rainy week.  Days like this always make me feel foggy.  I read my last post from the end of January for this year a few days ago when I was at Augusta's.  Today I sit down to write to clear my head perhaps.

This morning during prayer time I was concentrating on "desire" and how our deepest desires don't come from our ego so they are not about fame and fortune. They are also, strictly speaking from that place in us that is deeper than our ego, from Spirit, or Essence, or  whatever word you want to use.  Deepak Chopra says that desire boils down to growing, changing, becoming a better person.  When I heard this yesterday, I thought over my life, how I have always tried become that better person. I am very imperfect, I have so much brokenness, but I keep trying to move forward.  To do the right thing, to reach out, have compassion, patience, to be kind and to try not to take offense.  I don't get it right many, many, times but I keep trying. 

This morning I thought about what my deep desire was at this stage in my life.  Undoubtedly, I want to be happy, healthy, and whole.  Apart from that I would love to have relationships with my grown daughters that are reciprocal, supportive, compassionate.  I would love it if we could really value each other in our relationships. Without all the attendant history of screw ups and things said in anger.  Without me interfering in their decision making.  With them trusting me and loving me.  Don't get me wrong, we have a pretty good relationship right now, but as I write this, I realize it will always be more complicated.... That's a little disappointing.  What could I do when I talk to them?  How could I start with them? Perhaps thinking of them like that cherished friend that I want to be to them.... when we talk on the phone could I think of them like I would my friend and not offer my opinion all the time but listen to them where they are? 

It is clear to me that if I want the relationships to change, the first thing to do is change myself and the way I interact with them.  A little less maternal and a little more filial.