Beginning Again.

 I want to start writing daily again so here goes.  Augusta, Elowen, Broderick, and Saoirse left this morning after a very enjoyable and tension free stay.  Their first stay without Zach and the energy was definitely different. I would say most of the time when he came, he did not really want to be here and he came because it's what you do. He has been this presence between Augusta and us since they met.  At first jealously coming between us and creating separation, and Augusta also used it that way.  Enough about that right now. The energy this time was different and welcomed.  The kids were calmer for the most part.  

I have many hopes and wishes for Augusta as she starts this new chapter. I hope she continues to become her own person and  continues to learn how to set boundaries with everyone.  I want and wish for an integration of her new found gifts into her life in a way that will make sense to her and those around her.  I hope she doesn't give up on being a pharmacist, but begins to see her other gifts for healing as an extension of her knowledge of pharmacopea and healing. Somehow.  I want harmony for her.

I pray that she safe from Zach and his parent's darkness.  I want her to have a safe trip home and I look forward to seeing her again in April.

More to the point, in the wee hours of the morning while she was here, I realized that if I want to move on and find a way through this intractable trauma that keeps me in this place in my life, that the answer may be in writing, journalling every day.  I had a vision of breaking my life apart into inflection points, points where my life changed significantly.  One of those points was the death of my Dad, the second was the day I ran away from home and broke the pattern of abuse in my family.  The next, most significant point would most probably be when I was able to forgive my mother and start a relationship anew with her and Jim. I'm guessing that was around 35, and after that, things are a bit fuzzy.  30 years later.  We moved away from Buffalo and I lost what I thought was my life's calling, my children of course moved out of the house and got married.  Now I have 8 amazing grandchildren from 9-1, we've moved from Arkansas and then Pennsylvania, and we are now in amazing and beautiful Colorado. The challenge when I am here living in Colorado Springs living in this community of folks my age is my ability to be in relationship with people.  I often don't want to be a part of things because it causes anxiety, I'm sometimes not great at setting boundaries, I don't have a ton of patience with people, I am paranoid, and I don't like to be left out. Just day to day living stuff, but I was never good at it given my boot camp training in crazy behavior.  I want to be able to be here without the anxiety doing the things I want to do when I want to do it.