RAGE

 I still, at the age of 65, have a great deal of rage that lives inside of me and sometimes informs especially the way I treat myself.  It also comes up when I perceive that I have been disrespected in some way, or if I am frightened by something.  I want to talk about this today. 

I survived my childhood by being able to compartmentalize most of what was happening to me, and yet that very compartmentalization that I became a master at, makes it difficult for me to process now and doesn't serve me at all.  It means that I make decisions based on old information that doesn't fit with who I am now.  

This rage makes itself known often in a very harsh, critical super-ego that is rarely pleased, so I am always not good enough in it's estimation. I never do enough, never am enough, and it is at war constantly with my Id.  Interestingly enough my impulses(Id) is also fueled by rage, the kind of rage that says "you can't tell me what to do" and I make decisions about eating, drinking, buying, etc... this part seems out of control.  The more I am out of control, the bigger the opposition from my critical Super Ego, so that I am at war with myself constantly.  This results in feeling like I can't trust myself to run my life.  My Ego can't seem to reign these two in.  It is weaker because they are stronger.  Them being stronger used to serve me in some way.  It is hard for me to imagine a "Higher Self" although I believe in the concept.  This is part of what I am praying about in my emotionalization prayer.  

A second way rage plays into my life is if I perceive that I am being disrespected in some way, if someone says something or does something, my perceptions are not based on what is happening right now, it is based on the information that I am not worthy, I am worthless, I am not good enough, someone else is better, I am wrong, I am ignorant or stupid, I am somehow not human or a lesser form of human.  I feel real rage about this and I cannot see the situation for what it is at all.  I will sometimes act on this by being manipulative, in that scary Glenn Close fatal attraction way, or at least I have that impulse.  Sometimes the only thing for me to do in that situation is remove myself.  I have tried to hang in there and solve it so that I can for example remain a Cantor at church, but I finally had to just step back. I feel at that point that I have let myself down, I can't seem to learn that lesson even though I can see what's going on and I know my emotions aren't valid for the situation.