life changes

 In the wee hours of the morning, I sometimes have moments of complete clarity and it is breathtaking and sometimes terrifying. To be honest that clarity comes out of a brain that was maybe subjected to a little PTSD growing up with an alcoholic mother who repeatedly made suicide attempts often in the middle of the night.  So these messages are usually very true, but not gentle or comforting.

This morning early, I rolled over only semi-conscious and the thought that all of the medications were going to change my life, rather dramatically, that it was the end of the world as I know it.  I can no longer not take medication for diabetes.  I am a Type II Diabetic and I have been able to keep my blood sugar at an acceptable level for 15 years.  I have to have medication now.  With medication comes side effects that sometimes interfere with daily living.  Like right now I'm nauseous from it. Then there are the estrogen blocking drugs to prevent the return of breast cancer. Those are much worse. Homicidal maniac bad and interfering with sleep, joints ache,  I think it was driving up my blood sugar numbers. The prospect of taking other drugs to deal with side effects just seems crazy.  Not sure I'm willing to do that.  I want to find out what the risks are if I don't take these hormone blocking drugs. Talking to the doctor next week.

Then there is hip surgery in June.  Wow! How did I get here?

One minute you are a relatively healthy, aging human and the next you are on half a dozen drugs that are supposed to help you live longer.  And somehow, I feel doctors want to tell you that part of this is your fault. If only you ate better, didn't consume so much red meat, saturated fat, and alcohol. Even the cancer if it comes back will be my fault. Here's the thing, I am going to do the best I can, I think we all do the best we can it's just that our best may not be as strict or proper as someone else's best.  I will not be the person who quits doing everything enjoyable and then dies at 75 anyway.  And I am not about being kind of a miserable wreck on some medication with a ton of side effects.

Look at this picture of me. I look happy, vital, not that old or not as old as some people look at 65. I want to hike for hours, be in nature go to new places and see new things. Without feeling miserable from drug side effects.

This isn't much of a read this and feel better post, but it is the truth. And I want to write every day or most days I made this commitment.